Theo

Written by Ehizojie Okharedia

..... They have been slapping me for over an hour now. Each time I try
to say something I get another slap. I am sure I don’t deserve this
but they must think otherwise. This large woman has been screaming
since she asked me to pay for the rice, beans and kpomo I bought. Theo

had told me this morning that when I got to the stall all I had to do
was place an order then eat then ask how much it costs then ask what
work I could quickly do in exchange for the food. It all seemed so
simple and plain to me. Even goats with common sense can figure out
that I was being honest. ..... Another slap and I can barely hear my
own thoughts. It all seems noisier since this last slap.... I can
barely hear the question but I remember my name is Josiah.... at least
that’s what Theo told me.


I got here about an hour ago. When I walked in, I remember I was
welcome by the scent of boiling pepper sauce and the fresh fish and
bush meat. I asked what they had on their menu and the special for the
day-- Theo says when you ask those questions they become less
suspicious of your ability to pay for the meal. He stressed that its
only insiders with inside information that can ask that type of question.


I am trying to regain my senses at least all five of them.... let me
try. I can see the large woman tying and untying and re-tying her
wrapper. I can also see the girl that raised the alarm when I said I
can work in the stall to pay for the meal. I can imagine my English
teacher in our grammar school being proud of me when I use the word
meal  instead of food but what will Brenda think of me now if she
walked past?


Yes, there is a girl in the center of my story-- Brenda-- I am sure I
can think about her now at least before the next slap lands on my
run-way face. ..... Another slap! I can still think. I can still see
Brenda walk into our class. she was the assistant class prefect and I
was just like any other boy that dreamed of talking to her and
listening to her just say anything or try to catch a glimpse of her
smile in your general direction. If only you knew Brenda, you will
agree with me that I am right about her-- I promised myself the
morning I left our town that I will make Brenda proud of me all the
time, but maybe not today. I still feel hungry.


I am checking for my sense of smell-- there are so many mouth
odors around me here. Can’t they just stop speaking this their quick
language that keeps me pondering and wondering if they will kill me
when they are ready. ‘I went to school o’! I heard myself say so
before the last slap I remember hit me from behind my ears. I am sure
it came from my blind spot, a dark spot. But strange as it seems, this
is the first time I have ever gotten so many people around me since I
got into this Lagos. Yes these people are all loners but they are also
quick to rise in defense of anyone being abused. At least someone is
slapping me on behalf of the large woman then someone should also come
to my rescue but no one seems to be here. By the way I have also
stopped believing in the existence of divine beings. Hunger was the
first lesson I learnt, then came the next fruit of the spirit
--long-suffering. I expected this to be just a quick re-fresher cause
but this seems to be a full and long drawn semester.


I told you I went to school. I aint joking o! This hunger thing is
serious. It motivated Charles to marry Diana and divorce her then
marry the other woman that look older than his mother then stay with
her. It is the same hunger that drove those military boys out of the
barracks into the streets in search of greener khakis. It is the same
hunger that made me walk into this town determined to make it or die
and be returned home as someone who tried to make some difference even
if I try and fail at least they will know that I tried.


The slapping seems to have past and they are settling down. Wait......
another slap..... I can see her ask me if I am okay. She looked not
like Brenda but like my mother. She murmured something about paying
for my food and warning me never to do it again if I intended to live
long. I kind of missed being the center of all attention for some time
but it seems even death doesn’t stop this Lagos people from doing what
they had set out that day to do.

I am still hungry and I now have my head pounding with this headache.
I can still remember that Theo also said that if anything goes wrong
or if I sense I am in danger that I should run. It just hit me now,
Theo is really not a bad person but he believes he has answers to all
the questions and problems that I could possibly have in my head and
according to him-- my heart.


Theo says my heart will kill me and continue beating for itself. I
still don’t understand Theo but he is right about one thing-- this
Lagos people are kind. They might kill you but they won’t let you die
just like that. At least you will have a story to tell when you get to
the other side -that is for those of you who believe in another life
beyond this. For me this Lagos is enough.


Theo and I go way back. When we were in secondary school Theo couldn’t
spell his four letter name and I kept mocking him ‘it’s so simple’. The
same phrase he had used to inform me about life in Lagos after I lined
up in front of Brenda’s mother shop to make that phone call to Theo
before he invited me to this big city. This Lagos.


I have also cost Theo a lot sha! I remember how I made him lose his
first job as a marketer. I remember I used to be school smart but this
life is just meant for people like Theo. this hustling.... another big
word I will be sure baba grammar would have been proud of. I was the
best in my class. Theo is the best in Lagos life. Theo told me I could
join his company and get money everyday just like that- it’s so simple
he told me, just use your brain! That we had slept well into the
morning when Theo woke me that it was time for work. I came out
dressed in my supposed white looking shirt and bell trousers. This had
to be the day. I also had on my shoes. Former black now something
looking like black- blackish. Theo asked me if I was comfortable and
the answer was yes!


He stopped off at a UAC depot and I was coming in with him when he
told me to wait a bit. He went in and like everyone else he came out
with two caramel looking cartons. All taped up and smelling fresh. He
said to me. This is where we start work today, we are middlemen here.
We carry this merchandise, this Gala and we sell to those who need to
have it. Simple. I felt it couldn’t be so bad after-all. But I was
quick to learn this was no easy task. First was the need to listen
like a mother for the slightest whim from her baby and here the master
call was a hiss ‘sissssisssissi’ followed by a yell GALA! That was the
call and the race begins. I saw Theo bolt away. His rubber slippers making the slapping sounds on the asphalt ground. He had his carton
with one hand. His change or people balance on the other, the flap of
the now opened Gala carton covered a good part of his vision so he
paired just slightly above to get a glimpse of the prospective buyer
and the other eye was used to monitor traffic especially the never
stopping okadas.


Middleman was a  good term to describe this trade at least we were the
middlemen between the depot people and our customers. We are the boys
who stand between cars moving quickly right in the middle of the
express road or freeway to sell our products. My turn to sell finally
came. It was from a taxi colored yellow that the hiss came from. I
heard it first. I hear well. The traffic was just gaining momentum. I
was sure I could do this. Is it not me, Josiah the best in English,
best in economics and best in biology. Yes I can- I remember the Obama
posters in our village. I also remember I thought he was running for
our local government election which was later cancelled. Nonetheless I
can!


I took ginger steps towards the direction of the taxi then I heard
Theo scream behind me ‘no waka o, take off’ so I broke out running. My
blackish shoes knocking hard on the earth, the bell trousers were in
my way. I felt the heat inch closer to me in my whitish shirt. I was
almost there. I didn’t see the okada coming on the one way road. We
collided, I fell. I remembered those American rugby posters in pa
Chindi’s beer parlour where whitemen came to drink in the evening
before the kidnapping became more rampant in our town.


I felt nothing at first then I saw the blood run through my side and
my head hurt badly. My shoes were off and my head hurt badly. I saw
someone run past me and say yes ma, how many you wan buy. Nothing
stopped this town permanently they only paused for a while then
returned to the Lagos life. Theo came up to me and said ‘how will I
pay for this gala now, see all the ones that are torn, are you blind,
didn’t you see the okada coming?’

I have also made Theo lose his accommodation. It was a one room place
nothing fancy just efficient space. The landlord had barged in that
morning demanding for his rent. One month rent. We didn’t have money so
he took the Sony DVD player in the room as collateral. Theo said ‘he
take am hold something’. We were in room 5. Theo’s first neighbour was
a quiet smallish looking guy that barely said anything to anyone. We
hired the guns from him and the cutlass no machete as well. The rules
were simple we pay buy the hour as we go. One hour was 1,000 naira each
for the equipments. If we get caught we should never call his name or
he will find us and kill us. We were allowed to have it as long as we
wanted but the pay had to be complete on return. I asked him how we
were to use them and Theo told me our mission was two-fold.


Return the visit to our landlord- reclaim the DVD and collect from him
money for the house rent. it was so simple. We get in, make them
scared, get the money and move on. We made it into his house just down
the road in about 10 minutes. Theo made some very strange sounds from
behind his cloth make-shift mask. He was carrying the gun. He ordered
everyone to lie down which they did. I saw the DVD player on the table
and tool it. We called on the landlord to go and get the money which
he did. we were almost done when I saw her. She was just like Brenda--
she was the landlord’s first daughter. I moved closer to where she lay
down. I wasn’t going to hurt her but I just wanted to see her face and
her breasts.


Theo shouted in that his newly acquired Rambo voice- ‘Scorpion be
still’! I yelled out ‘Theo where is the scorpion’? Theo felt so bad
caused I even jumped on the cushion chair and asked again ‘Theo wey
the scorpion?’ Theo was disappointed. The landlord said from where he
lay down- Theo is that you? ‘Just wait till I stand up’? It was then
it hit me that Theo was being creative by not calling out my name. He
called me Scorpion not that there was a real scorpion in the house. We
ran for it or rather Theo ran I followed him.


We haven’t sleep in four days because we couldn’t return to the house
without paying for the equipment and the landlord knew it was us. I
have caused Theo his gala job now his accommodation. I feel lost now.
I was returning to where we had agreed to meet in oshodi after I had
breakfast which now also included a fairly good beating from this
Lagos people. I am really tired. but as I approach the junction I saw
the landlord’s hat, he was slapping Theo while two police officers
held Theo’s hands. my eyes met with Theo’s. He shouted out to me as I
ignorantly kept heading towards him. -- ‘scorpion take off’ he yelled
again and this time I got the message.


I turned round and began to run. no shoes, no shirt, no trouser, no
bag, nothing at all could stop me. I heard the police officer shouting
‘ole’ ‘ole’ ‘stop him’. but today was different, I kept running and
ducking and running. I didn’t feel exhausted as I normally would. I
wasn’t sure where I was running to but I kept running. I crossed the
road, ran past the police station and the hospital and the bank and
past the street lights, past the BRT terminal, past the small illegal
markets buy the road side, past the pure water sellers and past the
pedestrians, past the sign that says welcome to Igbeyin adun street. I
felt free, I felt different, I felt new, I felt welcome, I felt like a
Lagosian.